Again.

When someone you love was in denial.

Again.. I was on the same wreckage. In the same glass room, but it was more suffocating and torturing. Deep wound, torn scars.

If this is what I must have in order to be a better servant, let it be patience and a believer survivor.

May one day, I can smile and love again.. because what I have now was more than enough. 

I was busy searching another half of me, while I have my ultimate complement right inside of me.

#A month separation: Day 2

Leka. Layan rasa. Duka.

Leka dan leka.

Sungguh aku malu DIA masih ada disisi seperti selalu,

menitip lalu melirik kesedaran dan permohonan ampun seorang hamba.

Benar hidup ini ibarat sidang peperiksaan.

Cikgu itu ada, tetapi dia bisa diam.

Melihat anak murid itu jatuh berkali-kali mengaduh;

tetapi takkan berterusan mengeluh.

Lap peluh :)

Aku takkan berhenti percaya rahmat DIA itu senantiasa ada.

#A month separation: Day 1

There's no fear in my heart;
because all the people I do love so much will be in ALLAH protections, whenever and wherever they are.

There's no doubt in my heart;
because everything we've planned, ALLAH always had a very good and better plan  for us.

There's no regret in my heart;
because all I can and could ever do was always with HIS permission. Oh ALLAH, please help me put YOU first than anything, and please..help me be the best daughter and sister they ever had in their life.

Oh ALLAH, please put me fear death more than I fear for not being someone other half.
Please guide me ALLAH, I'd rather anxious of my capability and deeds upon entering your Jannah.

YOU will always knew what is the best for me.

Oh  ALLAH, please make me prepared to be your humble and repent servant whenever I made mistakes.
Sesungguhnya kasih sayang MU Ya ALLAH, melebihi segala.

Aminn.

#On the 12th days of giving spaces : Last night conversation

Bismillah.

On 9.23 pm, I've called you. To have a conversation, to clarify.

There was only one thing on my mind on that night. Was this the man I've knew all this while? Who always cheerful and stand strong in whatever condition he might bear..because he sounds 'different'.

It keep ringing in my mind;

This is the man I've prayed Istikharah for, and this is the man I've asked my Ayah to be friend with.

This is the man who introduce me to his Mak and family soonest he has made his mind about us.

This is the man who said he will meet my Ayah soon he is ready to made me as his wife.

This is the man.

And the hardest part was..

This is the man, Suhadah.

And who are you to ask him to be okay and tells you anything he feels or what's going on, on his mind?

Who are you to be sad if both of you were not going to be together?

I believe in Qada' and Qadar Mr Safariq. 

I believe in Jodoh; that it will only happen with HIS permission.

And the least I can do now is pray.

If we are meant to be, it will be.

If we are not, Oh ALLAH, please separate us with the least negativity and loss.

Aminn.

#For Teddy 1: A little thing or two about you

*Memories*

#Reflection 2: HE Cares About You! By Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

#Copy Paste 1: Perkara yg benar mengenai cinta. Kemungkinan. by Terfaktab :AlexiaAqram:

Lambat-laun semua orang akan tahu bahawasanya cinta itu memerlukan dan diperlukan oleh semua manusia di muka bumi hatta dia paderi atau sami sekalipun. Tapi, adakah semua orang benar-benar perlukan cinta pada masa yang tidak tepat dan tempat yang salah? Nope. Kita semua perlukan cinta itu pada waktu yang sesuai dan tempat yang betul seperti bila kamu rasa 'nak bermanja' tapi tersekat dengan peraturan 'couple itu haram', lalu kamu bentang sejadah merayu diberi cinta azali oleh Tuhan tanpa ada usaha fizikal. Entah mengapa bagi aku cara ini kurang logik. Doa saja tidak berguna jika tiada usaha yang real bukan? Padahal boleh saja kalau Whatsapp (kalau ada Whatsapp) lepas menghadap Tuhan pada seseorang yang kau fikir; 'eh dia ini menarik dan aku teringin jadi kekasih dia yang halal' dengan satu ayat ringkas;

(typing..)

Asalamualaikum. Nak tanya, demi Allah adakah kau sayang aku?

(typing.)

Waalaikumusalam. Demi Allah, aku menyayangimu dan berusaha untuk dimilikimu secara sah.

(typing..)

Ok. Alhamdulillah. Goodnight. :)

(typing..)

Goodnight ;-)

Lepas itu, kamu baca doa tidur dan tidur sambil tersenyum kerana dapat juga bermanja. Secara Islamik dan cool, kan? Kalau ada juga orang kata ini juga sebahagian zina. Tidaklah aku dapat menjawabnya, lebih baik aku diam.

Baiklah. Hal ini bukanlah perkara yang aku ingin tekankan dalam entri ini. Sebaliknya telah aku fikirkan tentang teori 9 akal 1 nafsu dari lelaki dan 9 nafsu 1 akal dari perempuan untuk hal cinta. Ya, ini perkara benar. Mungkin.

Tentang cinta. Lelaki mempunyai 9 cara untuk memiliki/memberi/membahagi cinta tetapi hanya ada 1 saja perkara yang difikirkan/dikaji/diputuskan tentang cinta.

Tentang cinta. Wanita mempunyai 9 perkara untuk difikirkan/dikaji/diputuskan tentang cinta tetapi hanya ada 1 saja cara memiliki/memberi/membahagi cinta.

Lalu hal ini buat aku termenung sebentar dalam bilik selepas habis rabbana atina fiduniya hasanah wafil akhirati hasanah wakinna azabannar... 

Padu jugak bila solat dengan penuh rasa cinta. Kemaen khusyuk.

Here's the link :) perkara yg benar mengenai cinta

#On the 8th day of giving spaces

Why it IS always me? T_T

It is always about someone else but not me.

It was always about others other than me.

Oh why.. was it wrong to bid me morning or at least wishing me my sweetest dream?

I might seems okay and act that I am strong, but.. yeah, I need someone to talk to. I don't pretty like it when I wanna text someone, but my mind and heart full with doubt.
"Am I desperate enough? or.. was those lack of communications means something?"

Having someone special or dear to our hearts, doesn't means that we have to say it every day..
I do understand and well known of human behavior;
People DOES change within time.

But,
Was I never cross your mind?
Do I have to tell you whats wrong with me every time I wanna talk to you?
Hurm.

I just forget how my world only evolves around everyone who I cared so much,
and it was never ever about me or how I feel.
Period.

#Reflection 1: Boyfriend and girlfriend by Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

#Tune 4: Grow old with you by Adam Sandler

#On the fifth day of giving spaces

One day, I will leave this world behind with smiles from all the soul I've touched. That’s it. I don’t want any other. I miss my Mak saying thanks in all awe I could give, and oh how I miss my Ayah smiling proud.

Tiring routine from dawn till dusk lessens the time I have to cope with all the grunts, laughter and chores. I want more time.

I am loud; when I want the best for my family.

I am anxious; when I’m bearing the pain I saw my Mak suffering.

I am worried; when I can’t imagine how my Ayah facing the rain and scorching hot days.

I am overprotective; when I am not satisfied with the way people treat my loved ones.

Only prayers; one fine daughter I want to be rather than one fine lady.

Also one fine companion I can be who holds future together in any wrecks and tears.

InshaaAllah. Aminn.

#On the fourth day of giving spaces

‘ Wajib ke? Sy nak tanya awak.

Cuba awak jawab?

Awk xbosan ke borak dgn sy setiap hari?

Bila sy xsempat reply mssg awk, awk xterasa ke?’

*****

Speechless, I am. It spooks me out. Right at the moment, I got a huge ‘slap’ on my face. Hate it when it’s true yet we want to deny it *sigh*

I am trying my best to learn you, and may Allah permits and ease everything about us getting together. And when the day comes, I will be the happiest girl in the whole wide world for being by your side.. HE will be my witness as I don’t have to keep spamming you again and again *HAHA*

p/s: I hope you like the perfume I've bought you! 

#Tune 3: Take my heart by Soko

#On the third day of giving you spaces : the second thought

How can I put my withdrawal syndrome in just one simple phrase? Ugh, damn it’s hard to even converge or simply said as; to form in any word.

It’s hard to stop texting you morning and night greetings;

it’s not compulsory as you said before many times, so I understand why you didn't even bother to text me *ahaa* And I keep telling myself to not texting you as you need some space.

It’s hard to start my day without texting you like mad of how was the traffic were that morning, what had happened last night, my dreams and nightmare, my tantrum and anxiety;

I've learnt how to hold myself without someone listening, more time for myself though because minus the waiting time for my text to be replied *smirk*

It’s hard to keep forming words in the back of my head like I usually do then scrub it as fast as I can;

Because it’s damn hard to keep it to myself, referring to my phrase and ugly sketch *sigh*

That’s why I put it here as I  want to be a lady who is calm as a water lilies *puke* I am also hoping to quit spamming you and act more.. matured? I don’t know how to act like one, seriously.

My mind keep ‘reaching’ for you, whether you are okay or not and also wanting you back to usual as I really do want Mr Mohd Safariq Mohamad goofiness and laughter’s; I’ll bet you’ll be feeling awkward someone writing something like this about you, but yeah, I want my teddy back! T_T

The most important I want you to know are;

I am afraid I am the one who makes you feeling unhappy.

I am afraid I am the one who makes you feeling irritated.

And I am afraid I am not the one who makes you smile again *sad*

I can also imagine how weird this whole kind of twisted emotion which I've turn into words when it is really nothing serious with you than just simply situation; ‘you only need some space’ *Wuaaaa*

####

A simple saying keeps me through this whole week;

‘Kalau dah jodoh, tak contact pun tak risau, tak jumpa pun no problem. Jika kita yakin dengan ketentuanNya, semua takkan jadi masalah’

 InshaaAllah, Aminn.

Wordless Wednesday #On the third day of giving spaces

Since the first day I knew you

Aminn.

#On the second day of giving spaces

Fall asleep with no data plan being subscribed. Already log out from WeChat, to keep myself from reaching out for you. Trying a week of ‘giving-space-plan’, to see whether it is you or it is me who was searching for each other. Yup, tears were falling thru every prayers and showers as I don’t like this kind of uneasy feeling lingers on me any longer.

Am I being selfish to hold myself from greeting you my morning/night text? Nope, just by praying for HIM to protects all of my loved ones, and that’s including you. Plus, I have Diana to update me about you on any occasions. At least, I have her as my second eye and ears. Will you do the same for me? Sneak a peek and glance at my side mirror every single morning and evening, only to find you.

It was not easy to wait and time. At random 6.30 and 10.30 in the morning, check my phones as usual, but this time it was different. I fix it with a short remembrance of my mum and dad. Tears had been falling again. Yup, it seems like I’m a weakling, but HE gave me strength to gain after that. I’m hurt the way you push me to keep aside. HE gave me time to meet you, and that was a blessing I wouldn’t trade upon.

Time appears moving faster while I’m awake, but it moves slower while I’m asleep. Is it wrong to act like you even know I’m real? While I am driving alone, deep inside me there was a voice to drop you by, and brings any smile that was disappeared from you this recent time; but is it really me?

It’s hurt when you said you don’t know why and how, because it seems rather familiar; previously called it feeling ‘empty’. Everything looking so fine and calm, yet you would be looking for something better. How could I meet this bareness again which makes me questioning my existence?

Every single thing I've said to you, and that’s a complete text if we put it on a play. All I could say for now is, I need HIM to make it happens.

#Tune 2: All of Me by John Legend feat. Lindsey Stirling

#Tune 1: 'Mirrors' cover by Boyce Avenue feat. Fifth Harmony (Justin Timberlake) #On the first day of giving spaces

Nordiana Norazmi & Norrasid Abu Bakar Engagement Day *30.11.13*

Atin.Aina.Diana.Me.

Her Eday, Diana.Nenek.And His Eday

Bless :)

Tunangan org terselit antara kami >_<"

May Allah bless you guys till Jannah and ease everything for your becoming solemnization next year :) <3

Mmmuuah~~

Pray for all of us to be gathered in HIS name with our future spouse, Inshaa Allah :)

So long and goodbye

Say something I’m giving up on you.

I’ll be the one if you want me too.

Anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small; it was over my head and nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall, am still learning to love and starting to crawl.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

I’m sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You are the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

And I’m sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

Say something.

#PAST

Enough being stuck in time. I have succeed.

Successfully move on from my past. 

But somewhere deep inside, I am scarred to death.

I am scarred and scared. 

When he said the word again, nothing wrong and don't know how and why..

I am back to where I am before, laying down in the pool of my own blood and tears.

Ya Rabb, makes me the one who put YOU first in anything I do.

Let me be strong and put my heart to have YOU.

Aminn.

Wordless Wednesday

::My Mum & Dad reception back in 1987::

Wordless Wednesday :: 27th October 2013 ::

XOXO

:)

WeChat Moments

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Message.

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******************

Alhamdulillah, May Allah permits everything about us.

With bless from all of our loved ones.

Wordless Wednesday

Close up of Apache S109G 3.5 Channel RC

A little gift for my brothers :)

Used to be.. apparently.

Used  to be best friends,
used to think it's not gonna end.

Used to be the reason to smile,
used to never been separated even a mile.

Used to know things you hated,
used to stand still in cold and heat.

But now;
Everything I used to heart still, has drop dead until the last drip.
The memoirs has been left, because I've taken a new trip.

New stories being wrote, for HIM gave me chance to en route :)

My Mini Quran

Mine was black and gold engrave on the outside, the colour of our Kaabah. Never leave my sight since late 2003. The story on how I get the Holy Quran of mine was as intrigued as ever. It was a miracle, and yes, it is close to my heart.

As usual, my old me who is always late than early in performing my solah, sitting on my prayer mat. Staying there, thinking about homework and such. I am tired. I am sleepy. Still in my school uniform though, as I was a prefect, staying late as all the school loads was never bored me at that time.

While my thoughts were here and there, flying high and slow in paces, I heard a little knock on my bedroom door. It was my dad. He just got home from work.

Dad: Oh… you just perform your solah?

Me: Yes, dad. Why is it?

Dad: Are you okay? What did you do? What just you have done? (In a high tone nearly as angry tone)

Me: (puzzled) … I did nothing, as far as I know. Why dad?

Dad: I think you should care more about your solah and everything that I have thought you all this while.

Me: (still puzzled)

Dad: Here, Auntie Azizah bought you something from Makkah. She said that she saw you there!

I was puzzled, shock and my tears was pouring heavy as ever. I was trembling. I was shocked and startled!

Dad: Take care of this Quran. It was yours. It is yours.

The story behind it, which made me trembling and crying as hard as I can, is… I was struggling with my past since I can remember. It was my first past event that I want to forget. I called it my little black box. Like a Pandora I guess? Yeah, I am as happy as other 15 years old girl; wonderful friends and schools, amazing family. I have full support in every ways. Loving Kreko comics and manga, samurai X anime, and all other normal young girl should have. Oh, how I misses that time so much. But, I have my little black box which I want it to terminally disappear from my memories!

The little black box was dated since I was four years old. I took time for me to understand it the way it is. The day I realized it was wrong was when I am twelve years old. I start to love isolating myself from others whenever it was possible. With small group of close friends, I keep regaining my traumatized little me at that time by occupying myself with activities. When I am alone, I always find HIM. It’s not that I want to say that I am a good young girl, but that was how my dad builds me. Tears never leave me until I fall asleep, and woke up with a lighter heart wrenched feeling.

My mini Quran was a sign. It was a sign from my Creator. HE is speaking to me to stay strong, hold firm on my faith. It was a token of love, and it comes in the form of my mini Quran. For days, I was secluded. I thought I am going to die soon. Whatever the reason and meaning it is, I was touch and fragile as ever. It feels like I want to stay in my mum’s arm every second and never leave my house out of sight anyhow. I’ve grown with the feeling of doubt and asking for helps since then.

As I grew older, I start to feel and understand the beautiful meaning behind it. My Creator has helps me to see my problems the way I never expected it to be. It (helps) always come on the right time. I gained the strength to hold the answer forever until I will rose upon in the hereafter. Every obstacle has been given only to whom who can bear it. Alhamdulillah, tears and pain was worth it. I’ve forgave the person who gave me that little black box event, but HE awards me with patience and love; through my mini Quran.

Never End.

Until then, love.

Behold

Pain and calamity; " Pain and suffering only becomes negative if it creates a barrier between you and Allah SWT, but it becomes positive and a motivation for you when it brings you back to Allah SWT ".

a lecture by Navaid Aziz

It was a beautiful phrase of the lecture in ‘He Who Has No One Has Allah’ by Navaid Aziz. With a meaningful story of a man called Ahmad, I am overwhelmed by mix of emotion of one humble servant toward his Lord. May he shall be raised upon whatever he died upon. Inshaa Allah.

Also quoted by Navaid Aziz, during pain and calamity, we as Muslims should enlighten these three main principles during hardships;

1 Rectify your relationship with Allah and everything else will be rectified.

2 Allah always responds to His slaves, regardless of how trivial it may seem.

3 Before trying to attain or achieve anything eliminate the sins in your life.

Deep down inside, I am ashamed of my past and I am never afraid to cry like a baby in front of my RABB. I am ashamed to ask for more when the most I wanted from HIM was HIS forgiveness. Ya RABB, how can I ask for more when what I have today and what I need today was a blessings from YOU, alas all this while I was once one lost soul? Subhanallah, please keep me strong and Istiqamah.

Only YOU know what I've been through all this while. It was a reality slaps. Five years of non-halal relationship, I am wrong in every way. It was so near within reach yet it is so far. No matter how hard I pray for everything to be okay, if it is not meant to be, it is not meant to be. As a saying said, ‘Something that is not real, it has and end. Something that is real, it has not ended’. Put our mum’s and dad’s love first; it hasn't ended and it is surreal.

As a lady with a firm stand, I am here to honor my only hero in this world; my dad. As during my selfish, arrogant and ignorance lady before, I should thanks her (my old me), as without what had she facing previously; I wouldn't be who I am today. I don’t want to be the reason my dad being denied to enter Jannah. I don’t want to be the daughter who clinging into my dad’s feet and slow him down in the afterlife. I love him more than my own life.

As a daughter with her mother’s name was a sacred word, I am here to make her proud. Mum may not shows her insecurities of my being, but when I am there to speak the truth, which I've realize of my waste of time with the fake relation, she said a word to me, “All this while, I knew he is not for you. The way your father treats you was the best; to respect and to treasure a lady by making her as a companion. Do you saw that in him? For me as your mum, I believe that my prayers being answered. I ask Allah to show you the truth by your own eyes”.

It is a bless which I am most in need; to present myself as one of your humble servant companion. Present me as a lady who is in searches for YOU Ya RABB, to enter Jannah with him by completing half of his deen as his wife and as a mother. Makes me a muslimah who is being raise upon in the hereafter on what I am died upon in this world. I am mortified to ask You more my Lord, as I need Your forgiveness more than anything.

Allahu Rabbi, please guide me. Please make me strong in finding YOU, Ya RABB. Ya Allah, when I lose my hopes and plans, helps me remember that Your love for me is greater than my disappointments, and Your plans for me are better than my dreams. We need to realize, the catastrophe is not a punishment. It was rather a call, a reminder from our Lord; Come to ME, seek refuge from ME, the Almighty.

:)

I will not be the best I can be with someone else but you.
This Ramadhan provides me humility.
I've put my all in HIS hands, and what I feel, I see and I believe..
"For whatever happens until that day comes, I will still be here for you :)"

Aamiinn.

KAMU

Berjalan di dunia ini, kita sebagai manusia hanya mampu melihat apa yang di mahu.

Jika dibilang langkah, sejauh mana perjalanan ini dibawa, DIA telah memberi segala apa yang di perlu.

Ambil dekat kedua ibu bapa kita..

Ya Rabb.. mereka satu anugerah kerana lahirnya kita dari rahim ibu dan rasa cinta mereka membawa kita ke sini.

Lihat saja dimana kamu berdiri, dan lihat telapak tangan kamu yang kamu tadah untuk berdoa hari-hari.

Sekuat mana kamu berdoa, kamu cerita pada DIA cinta pada mereka mengatasi segala.

Sekuat mana kamu berdoa, terasa cerita cinta mereka pada kamu selamanya. Allahu Rabbi..

Jika ibu mampu melafaz zikir dan menghela nafas lelah dengan doa untuk zuriatnya ini,

apa mampu dikata tidak pada pemilik syurga yang nyata disebut oleh-NYA?

Kita hidup bukan untuk diri kita SAHAJA.. kerana dunia ini persinggahan apa adanya.

Senyumlah saat kamu rasa dunia ini gugur satu persatu meninggalkan kamu.

Saat kamu jelak dengan rasa dipinggir dan tidak dipedulikan.

Saat kamu muak dengan kata-kata keras kasar yang merobek.

Senyumlah.. kerana setiap segala akan dikira dan ditimbang nanti.

Semua pasti mati. Ya, jika hidup pasti mati.

Kerana semua yang hidup ini asalnya dari seorang ibu, seperti kamu.

Tenanglah bila mana kamu merasa gentar akan kejamnya dunia.

Tenanglah bila mana kamu merasa jatuhnya kaki dihentak keras ke Bumi.

Tenang sahaja bila ada yang hadir untuk menghina kamu semampunya.

Tenang sahaja bila air mata jadi punca kamu berdiri kuat melawan si durjana.

Semua yang kuat itu pasti dari yang lemah lembik.

Kerana semua yang kuat ini datangnya dari seorang bapa, seperti kamu.

Teruslah berlari wahai kamu, cukup sahaja kamu dengan adanya ibubapa kamu dan DIA..

Allahu Rabbi.. pemberi anugerah sepasang ibubapa kepada kamu.

Quote #8

Your pain will draw you closer to a believer.
Your gain will take you higher.
Higher in acceptance, that HE holds everything
not just only your future.

Self Value

It was never too early to start

My previous

Grading for green

Sparring for red

It was a one fine morning as always. Nothing can say how much self value was an escapade for me. 

It was a turning point. Thank you Mak Ayah for always being there and always amazingly supporting me. Thank you ALLAH :')

Sorry bout my mellow state of mind >_<"

This Taekwondo grading test was being held at Taman Equine Sri Kembangan Do-Jang. Yeah..I'm one of the BIG sister there..haha. But it was one hell of good times :) Pack with wonderful people, blood sweat and tears as usual, was a fine line of similarities between us. Ukhuwah Fillah guys and girls.

Yes, all of them was a bless for me. Dearest instructors, friends and little ones. They taught  me how to contain myself. Pushing further and high. Strengthen my mind with eternal smiles which comes from this everlasting moment which being held with high gratitude from me.

I was a white belt 24 years old sister for them.. and now I am their green tip sister who soon to be 25 years old. Heh..OLD ME! Thank you again and again for entering my life as a companion, guys and girls.

Till then, love.

Quotes #7

Ya Rabbi, pemilik mutlak setiap hati,
Andai terciptanya aku sebagai pelengkap rusuk kiri,
Titipkanlah rasa cinta seorang bidadari,
Mahu menunggu di syurga bukan di dunia yang akhirnya pasti.

Ya Rabbi, pelindung mutlak setiap hati.
Andai tertiupnya aku sebagai srikandi,
Hadirkanlah rasa taat kepada waliku yang tidak berbelah bahagi.
Berlumba memungut pahala bukan  pemberat neraca penghalang titi.

=')

Alhamdulillah. Subhanallah.
There's always someone parallel at the other side.
I like to feel better but with this, right now..
I feel best and blessed.

Tell me how to fight for now,
as ALLAH the Almighty had given me all I know.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery.
In my prayers, I asked to be free from misery.
Alhamdulillah..
With HIM I can create another amazing story.

It's not easy to figure it out, 
but now I felt like I've found my way out.
May serenity draws us closer,
for HIM holds every heart better.

InshaaAllah.