Again.

When someone you love was in denial.

Again.. I was on the same wreckage. In the same glass room, but it was more suffocating and torturing. Deep wound, torn scars.

If this is what I must have in order to be a better servant, let it be patience and a believer survivor.

May one day, I can smile and love again.. because what I have now was more than enough. 

I was busy searching another half of me, while I have my ultimate complement right inside of me.

#A month separation: Day 2

Leka. Layan rasa. Duka.

Leka dan leka.

Sungguh aku malu DIA masih ada disisi seperti selalu,

menitip lalu melirik kesedaran dan permohonan ampun seorang hamba.

Benar hidup ini ibarat sidang peperiksaan.

Cikgu itu ada, tetapi dia bisa diam.

Melihat anak murid itu jatuh berkali-kali mengaduh;

tetapi takkan berterusan mengeluh.

Lap peluh :)

Aku takkan berhenti percaya rahmat DIA itu senantiasa ada.

#A month separation: Day 1

There's no fear in my heart;
because all the people I do love so much will be in ALLAH protections, whenever and wherever they are.

There's no doubt in my heart;
because everything we've planned, ALLAH always had a very good and better plan  for us.

There's no regret in my heart;
because all I can and could ever do was always with HIS permission. Oh ALLAH, please help me put YOU first than anything, and please..help me be the best daughter and sister they ever had in their life.

Oh ALLAH, please put me fear death more than I fear for not being someone other half.
Please guide me ALLAH, I'd rather anxious of my capability and deeds upon entering your Jannah.

YOU will always knew what is the best for me.

Oh  ALLAH, please make me prepared to be your humble and repent servant whenever I made mistakes.
Sesungguhnya kasih sayang MU Ya ALLAH, melebihi segala.

Aminn.

#On the 12th days of giving spaces : Last night conversation

Bismillah.

On 9.23 pm, I've called you. To have a conversation, to clarify.

There was only one thing on my mind on that night. Was this the man I've knew all this while? Who always cheerful and stand strong in whatever condition he might bear..because he sounds 'different'.

It keep ringing in my mind;

This is the man I've prayed Istikharah for, and this is the man I've asked my Ayah to be friend with.

This is the man who introduce me to his Mak and family soonest he has made his mind about us.

This is the man who said he will meet my Ayah soon he is ready to made me as his wife.

This is the man.

And the hardest part was..

This is the man, Suhadah.

And who are you to ask him to be okay and tells you anything he feels or what's going on, on his mind?

Who are you to be sad if both of you were not going to be together?

I believe in Qada' and Qadar Mr Safariq. 

I believe in Jodoh; that it will only happen with HIS permission.

And the least I can do now is pray.

If we are meant to be, it will be.

If we are not, Oh ALLAH, please separate us with the least negativity and loss.

Aminn.

#For Teddy 1: A little thing or two about you

*Memories*

#Reflection 2: HE Cares About You! By Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

#Copy Paste 1: Perkara yg benar mengenai cinta. Kemungkinan. by Terfaktab :AlexiaAqram:

Lambat-laun semua orang akan tahu bahawasanya cinta itu memerlukan dan diperlukan oleh semua manusia di muka bumi hatta dia paderi atau sami sekalipun. Tapi, adakah semua orang benar-benar perlukan cinta pada masa yang tidak tepat dan tempat yang salah? Nope. Kita semua perlukan cinta itu pada waktu yang sesuai dan tempat yang betul seperti bila kamu rasa 'nak bermanja' tapi tersekat dengan peraturan 'couple itu haram', lalu kamu bentang sejadah merayu diberi cinta azali oleh Tuhan tanpa ada usaha fizikal. Entah mengapa bagi aku cara ini kurang logik. Doa saja tidak berguna jika tiada usaha yang real bukan? Padahal boleh saja kalau Whatsapp (kalau ada Whatsapp) lepas menghadap Tuhan pada seseorang yang kau fikir; 'eh dia ini menarik dan aku teringin jadi kekasih dia yang halal' dengan satu ayat ringkas;

(typing..)

Asalamualaikum. Nak tanya, demi Allah adakah kau sayang aku?

(typing.)

Waalaikumusalam. Demi Allah, aku menyayangimu dan berusaha untuk dimilikimu secara sah.

(typing..)

Ok. Alhamdulillah. Goodnight. :)

(typing..)

Goodnight ;-)

Lepas itu, kamu baca doa tidur dan tidur sambil tersenyum kerana dapat juga bermanja. Secara Islamik dan cool, kan? Kalau ada juga orang kata ini juga sebahagian zina. Tidaklah aku dapat menjawabnya, lebih baik aku diam.

Baiklah. Hal ini bukanlah perkara yang aku ingin tekankan dalam entri ini. Sebaliknya telah aku fikirkan tentang teori 9 akal 1 nafsu dari lelaki dan 9 nafsu 1 akal dari perempuan untuk hal cinta. Ya, ini perkara benar. Mungkin.

Tentang cinta. Lelaki mempunyai 9 cara untuk memiliki/memberi/membahagi cinta tetapi hanya ada 1 saja perkara yang difikirkan/dikaji/diputuskan tentang cinta.

Tentang cinta. Wanita mempunyai 9 perkara untuk difikirkan/dikaji/diputuskan tentang cinta tetapi hanya ada 1 saja cara memiliki/memberi/membahagi cinta.

Lalu hal ini buat aku termenung sebentar dalam bilik selepas habis rabbana atina fiduniya hasanah wafil akhirati hasanah wakinna azabannar... 

Padu jugak bila solat dengan penuh rasa cinta. Kemaen khusyuk.

Here's the link :) perkara yg benar mengenai cinta

#On the 8th day of giving spaces

Why it IS always me? T_T

It is always about someone else but not me.

It was always about others other than me.

Oh why.. was it wrong to bid me morning or at least wishing me my sweetest dream?

I might seems okay and act that I am strong, but.. yeah, I need someone to talk to. I don't pretty like it when I wanna text someone, but my mind and heart full with doubt.
"Am I desperate enough? or.. was those lack of communications means something?"

Having someone special or dear to our hearts, doesn't means that we have to say it every day..
I do understand and well known of human behavior;
People DOES change within time.

But,
Was I never cross your mind?
Do I have to tell you whats wrong with me every time I wanna talk to you?
Hurm.

I just forget how my world only evolves around everyone who I cared so much,
and it was never ever about me or how I feel.
Period.

#Reflection 1: Boyfriend and girlfriend by Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

#Tune 4: Grow old with you by Adam Sandler

#On the fifth day of giving spaces

One day, I will leave this world behind with smiles from all the soul I've touched. That’s it. I don’t want any other. I miss my Mak saying thanks in all awe I could give, and oh how I miss my Ayah smiling proud.

Tiring routine from dawn till dusk lessens the time I have to cope with all the grunts, laughter and chores. I want more time.

I am loud; when I want the best for my family.

I am anxious; when I’m bearing the pain I saw my Mak suffering.

I am worried; when I can’t imagine how my Ayah facing the rain and scorching hot days.

I am overprotective; when I am not satisfied with the way people treat my loved ones.

Only prayers; one fine daughter I want to be rather than one fine lady.

Also one fine companion I can be who holds future together in any wrecks and tears.

InshaaAllah. Aminn.

#On the fourth day of giving spaces

‘ Wajib ke? Sy nak tanya awak.

Cuba awak jawab?

Awk xbosan ke borak dgn sy setiap hari?

Bila sy xsempat reply mssg awk, awk xterasa ke?’

*****

Speechless, I am. It spooks me out. Right at the moment, I got a huge ‘slap’ on my face. Hate it when it’s true yet we want to deny it *sigh*

I am trying my best to learn you, and may Allah permits and ease everything about us getting together. And when the day comes, I will be the happiest girl in the whole wide world for being by your side.. HE will be my witness as I don’t have to keep spamming you again and again *HAHA*

p/s: I hope you like the perfume I've bought you! 

#Tune 3: Take my heart by Soko

#On the third day of giving you spaces : the second thought

How can I put my withdrawal syndrome in just one simple phrase? Ugh, damn it’s hard to even converge or simply said as; to form in any word.

It’s hard to stop texting you morning and night greetings;

it’s not compulsory as you said before many times, so I understand why you didn't even bother to text me *ahaa* And I keep telling myself to not texting you as you need some space.

It’s hard to start my day without texting you like mad of how was the traffic were that morning, what had happened last night, my dreams and nightmare, my tantrum and anxiety;

I've learnt how to hold myself without someone listening, more time for myself though because minus the waiting time for my text to be replied *smirk*

It’s hard to keep forming words in the back of my head like I usually do then scrub it as fast as I can;

Because it’s damn hard to keep it to myself, referring to my phrase and ugly sketch *sigh*

That’s why I put it here as I  want to be a lady who is calm as a water lilies *puke* I am also hoping to quit spamming you and act more.. matured? I don’t know how to act like one, seriously.

My mind keep ‘reaching’ for you, whether you are okay or not and also wanting you back to usual as I really do want Mr Mohd Safariq Mohamad goofiness and laughter’s; I’ll bet you’ll be feeling awkward someone writing something like this about you, but yeah, I want my teddy back! T_T

The most important I want you to know are;

I am afraid I am the one who makes you feeling unhappy.

I am afraid I am the one who makes you feeling irritated.

And I am afraid I am not the one who makes you smile again *sad*

I can also imagine how weird this whole kind of twisted emotion which I've turn into words when it is really nothing serious with you than just simply situation; ‘you only need some space’ *Wuaaaa*

####

A simple saying keeps me through this whole week;

‘Kalau dah jodoh, tak contact pun tak risau, tak jumpa pun no problem. Jika kita yakin dengan ketentuanNya, semua takkan jadi masalah’

 InshaaAllah, Aminn.

Wordless Wednesday #On the third day of giving spaces

Since the first day I knew you

Aminn.

#On the second day of giving spaces

Fall asleep with no data plan being subscribed. Already log out from WeChat, to keep myself from reaching out for you. Trying a week of ‘giving-space-plan’, to see whether it is you or it is me who was searching for each other. Yup, tears were falling thru every prayers and showers as I don’t like this kind of uneasy feeling lingers on me any longer.

Am I being selfish to hold myself from greeting you my morning/night text? Nope, just by praying for HIM to protects all of my loved ones, and that’s including you. Plus, I have Diana to update me about you on any occasions. At least, I have her as my second eye and ears. Will you do the same for me? Sneak a peek and glance at my side mirror every single morning and evening, only to find you.

It was not easy to wait and time. At random 6.30 and 10.30 in the morning, check my phones as usual, but this time it was different. I fix it with a short remembrance of my mum and dad. Tears had been falling again. Yup, it seems like I’m a weakling, but HE gave me strength to gain after that. I’m hurt the way you push me to keep aside. HE gave me time to meet you, and that was a blessing I wouldn’t trade upon.

Time appears moving faster while I’m awake, but it moves slower while I’m asleep. Is it wrong to act like you even know I’m real? While I am driving alone, deep inside me there was a voice to drop you by, and brings any smile that was disappeared from you this recent time; but is it really me?

It’s hurt when you said you don’t know why and how, because it seems rather familiar; previously called it feeling ‘empty’. Everything looking so fine and calm, yet you would be looking for something better. How could I meet this bareness again which makes me questioning my existence?

Every single thing I've said to you, and that’s a complete text if we put it on a play. All I could say for now is, I need HIM to make it happens.

#Tune 2: All of Me by John Legend feat. Lindsey Stirling

#Tune 1: 'Mirrors' cover by Boyce Avenue feat. Fifth Harmony (Justin Timberlake) #On the first day of giving spaces

Nordiana Norazmi & Norrasid Abu Bakar Engagement Day *30.11.13*

Atin.Aina.Diana.Me.

Her Eday, Diana.Nenek.And His Eday

Bless :)

Tunangan org terselit antara kami >_<"

May Allah bless you guys till Jannah and ease everything for your becoming solemnization next year :) <3

Mmmuuah~~

Pray for all of us to be gathered in HIS name with our future spouse, Inshaa Allah :)

So long and goodbye

Say something I’m giving up on you.

I’ll be the one if you want me too.

Anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small; it was over my head and nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall, am still learning to love and starting to crawl.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

I’m sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You are the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

And I’m sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

Say something I’m giving up on you.

Say something.

#PAST

Enough being stuck in time. I have succeed.

Successfully move on from my past. 

But somewhere deep inside, I am scarred to death.

I am scarred and scared. 

When he said the word again, nothing wrong and don't know how and why..

I am back to where I am before, laying down in the pool of my own blood and tears.

Ya Rabb, makes me the one who put YOU first in anything I do.

Let me be strong and put my heart to have YOU.

Aminn.